money = life = money

Last time I went to Mid Valley, big corporate book store, put my ass somewhere around there, pick up one book.
The title is: Invisible Monster by chuck phalaniuk.

One nice word from the book that is simply brillinat,
we are just a product and we are no different from the barbie doll, the car or anything else. We can be wreck and dump in any single minutes, EVERYDAY.
Very provocative yet inspired me in one direct way.

Upon reading, there is a huge conversation from bunch of girl who talk very loudd inside that corporate book store.
Attention: Discussion about a man without any shirt posing in the swimming pool inside majalah mangga. I want to laugh out loud. But I dont have friends to laugh with. So, remain silent is the solution. huhu!
Mind concentration is not functioning well toward the big. Half focus to the loud chit-chatting and the other half toward the book.

One thing that I realize; people dont talk about their self-deficiancy. They dont talk about their broken live. They write mostly about their success desire. They talk about how great they are compare to other people. And I wonder why there is nobody want to write about how bad they are. The line start maybe like this:
"Im the most dumbest people in this world. I am wasted. I always getting use to other people. I'm real liar in this world"

Im waiting for that kind. Else i guess I gonna start one.
Till then.

cerita pasal mawi!

ade due care je hidup ni..
Satu ikut aturan.
Dua, lari dari aturan.

Hidup aku nombor dua.
Tidor pukul 7 pagi, bangun 4 petang. Esok tidor sebelas malam bangun lapan pagi.
Bile cakap pasal aturan, dengan senang hati aku ni bukan orang yang berdisiplin, tiada routine, tak boleh masuk askar la senang.

Mawi cakap "apa yang dikejar dalam hidupmu".
Aku cakap: Mawi kejar awek baru.

Bila bangun tidor baru sedar kerja ni tak siap. Itu tak siap. Nak tak nak kene balik kat nombor satu. Tapi dah biasa jadik nombor dua. Slowslow la.
Aku suka tengok kehidupan orang orang yang tak peduli apa dengan sorrounding yang menjadikan routine ke atas diri dia. Dia mewujudkan satu dunia sendiri, office hour sendiri, siang malam sendiri, senang cerita sendiri. Pilihan di tangan dia.

Tapi tak dapat jack. Ko nak hidup, kerja, carik duit. dah ade satu ketetapan. Sebab itu kalau masih di nombor dua. Susah sikit.
Try la masuk nombor satu. slow slow. mane tahu.

What will you do!

-> if u are in lebanon today? the bomb is exploding just accross the street, and your eardrum shaking like hell.
-> the cutest girl/boys that you admire so much sending you a message asking you for a date. nah chessy question la.
-> if suddenly without notice you are positive HIV although you never do drug and always use protection when making love?
-> if you are dreaming you will be put inside hell with high flame FIRE without any fireman inside?
-> if your mom slap you just because she said your face is like ape?
-> if you are charles bukowski or adolf hitler or perhaps zinadine zidane?
-> If you are in the train and suddenly you realize you shit in the pant? And the train got stuck somewhere in more than one hour?
-> if I want you to answer all the question in 1 minutes?
-> if I say the one who do blogspot.com is the dumbest man in the world.

The truth between true and untrue!

When Im a little kids, I always remember that I'm a stubborn kids. (in correct manner: stubborn child). I use to fight my mom and dad even my aunt a lot. I had this very bad "attention disorder" at that time. I remember Im rebelling, crying for not getting what I want. And I can do that for more than 2 hours. Nobody can stop me. Even my dad. The only person who can stop for doing that is me myself. He who make me calm again.

I start to separate from my family when im 13. It give me kind of freedom to choose live in better way. And that's the time when all the rebelling against parent turn to be rebelling against the teacher. Because that time perhaps I got this "liberation disorder". Thats all turn to be the good scenario of living life. Moment of truth. The caption of breaking the rules and finding yourself. Thats great.

And when age gone by, things make you want to feel something new. You want to feel something you dont ever feel. And i keep it simple, i try everything that I want. And moral is another things for me. Empirical is always the solution.

Music save everything. The circle of friends save everything. It bring me to the save light. I dont know what the bright light means, but at least i know im not trap in the so called moral disorder, racist, religious or maybe ignorance stereotype. Im out of boundary. I go far far away. Because the idea of electric save me. It goes side by side with books, movie, travel, friends and many more.

You are in the good state. You beleive in yourself more than any other things. And fly a soul inside you. One truth things that might impact your life is this word EVOL, the best word when you sharing a great relationship with somebody. About hope and trust. The state of confusion. The brain calculation about what is going to be true and untrue.
But perhaps time goes by and when you find sin and saint, about moral and about freedom. You know EVOL is the pure LOVE. You know whats right for your self and what is wrong. The direction is wide open. And you always dare to face and forgiving. You have a heart unless you got terrible heart attack. So go else you failed. And wondering where all those rebel gone when it come to this things. I am still me. Rebel is only a spark to find a things that you want. You are no longer rebel. You want something truth. No matter where im going. Nothing change. You keep asking when will the time come. But you failed to live the present. But its ok coz things can be work no matter what.

Now its past the mid 2006. And in the state of confusion im still sitting in front this computer. Writing a boring story to nobody. It is just for myself. Blogspot.com is just a stepping stone. Its a platform of frustration in certain way. Because when nerve going unstable and nobody can help, perhaps blogspot save the soul.

Skip this if you find love boring.
This might contain 18 and above cencorship stuff.
AND please note that this is not technical writing. yet it is imaginative one.

DONT READ THIS!

I dont know how it feel this way when u found something that is not gonna happen, at last happen to you.. Its the feeling of neither satisfaction or dissapointed. You just sitting there in the state of blurry and wonder is this a hallucation or real truth? Its all about inside your soul.. And the next few hours you come back again..

My other me said: You will feel it like a karma, you see it as a deja vu.. You are not hallucinate... You are the real state.
And me real said: You are in the all chipset manufacturing setup. You dont see things straight. All things that happen is what you wish upon. And what you dont wish you can't ever reach that.

Sleeping Disorder!

Im perhaps in sleeping disorder.. A cup of kopi tongkat ali wont keep my nerve stop shaking.. And a bottle of beer also cant keep my eyes wide open....
I read this one article that around 50 - 70 million people only in american happen to face this sleeping disorder problematic. And sure it is a big number..
And the result is: hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack, and stroke.

Let face that i dont know whether i got this diabetis, obesity, heart attack or stroke.. Last time im going to the hospital, the doctor say my blood pressure is ok, and im not getting any dengue infection (perhaps im hallucinate with the fact that i got the dengue infection :P).

How bout depression and hypertension.. Last time i sleep only 3 hours for 2 days.. I aint imsonia.. far from it.. Coz i can sleep as long as 14 hours in one shot.. I can do longer.. But sometimes i sleep in a long period and sometimes I sleep in a short period.. And without any meaning or necessity to prove that medication research is true, I got weird feeling for not sleeping.... First overreact, second blurry, and the most dangerous one is my penis will turn to be in the unstable mood.. :P

I dont know how this feel but now i dont have enough sleep... I aint write this if im normal but now im feeling not really normal for sleeping disorder.. I wonder how it feel for having imsomnia or taking too much "ice" drugs.. it will be soooo bad duh..
I can stand flu or headache or muscle pull, but sometimes i just feel that I cant stand sleeping disorder...

Ape tengah hot!

Kes 1 = Pejabat kastam kat KLIA yang aku lalu baru je tadi buat hati aku panas. RM 600 aku lesap sebab diorang. Kalau aku bakar, nanti kene claimed mujahidinterrorist. Aku tunjuk "FUcK" cukup. Lepas geram.
Kadang kadang orang geram sampai nak kasik bom, kasik berkecai, kasik puas.
Macam kawan aku pernah gertak kakak kat tempat aku belajar, "Kang saya bakar University ni kang". Tak pun, slalu orang cakap, "kite bakar je umah die, kasik settle".
Orang putih cakap ARSON kalau nak sabotage.

Aku baca the star pasal kes bom kat subway station di London beberapa tahun dulu. Unsolve mystery lagi sampai skarang. Memang ade suspek. 5 orang. Tapi tak tahu kemana pergi connection nye. Ade orang cakap al qaeda tapi tak bleh carik dimana "link" pengebom dengan organisasi. Jadik tak leh buat isu besar la.
Pastu terjumpa pulak video speech salah seorang pengebom (aku lupe dah name die, makan semut banyak sangat) yang mende tu adalah hasil daripada "right" orang minority- color people yang tak dapat layanan setara di United Kingdom. Tapi tak tahu la, entah entah video tu buat 2 bulan lepas bom meletup. ehehe.

Skali aku tengok TV, ade kluar pulak pasal 9/11 . Pentagon tu takdek jet besar rabak yang langgar pun, jumpe pulak kabel kabel macam dah pasang bom kat situ. Dah satu hal pulak skang orang carik penyelesaian.

Life ni dah banyak sangat misteri yang buat orang suka mencari. Kadang kadang buat orang berkhayal dan paling seram sekali buat orang confuse. Jadik hidup la diantara percaya dan tak percaya diorang ni. Sekejap dogma tu, sekejap dogma ni. Last skali hilang tujuan. Hebat betul la mende mende misteri ni. Sebab tu C.S.I dpt award banyak. Pasal die banyak bercerita pasal penyiasatan.
Macam da vinci code pun dah jadik satu fenomena orang counter - religion. Shok tu. Tapi tak semua yang rase mende tu patut. Diorang percaya ilmu kebal. Sebab tu, tak sape bleh cucuk. ehehe. All these while selambe cucuk.

Kes 2 = Portugal kalah. Figo kepala tak asah. ahahaha. Patut bleh gol dah.
Tapi kalau aku rase kalau aku kat situ lagi la. Silap silap tertanduk kepala member. Diam je la.

Kes 3 = Kalau nak makan mee kering yang paling tak best kat dunia. Harga RM 9.90 cakap kat aku. Aku bleh bawak. Port baik punye. (Ni kalau kalau dah boring sangat ngan bende yg best).

I'm schooling therefore I am

11 a.m - With a good dose of some good music, and lots of happiness after Italy won the greatest match, Im ready for last semester schooling. many people say that this is the time your head should focus about future (after school shit), getting job whatsoever. But for me. I got my future shape day by day since the age 18 (note: not underage anymore). There's nothing to lose!

I put two CD todaybefore the day starts
Ancient chinese secret "caveot emporer" album was seriously insane. It was ace. And i cant stop dreaming about doing a powerviolence band with my wive. Goar!
Art of burning water (superfi records) is decent stuff except they good the screechy weird vocal which i nearly waking up mr akhdan. They flow to be in the mastodon-ISIS-neuro bla bla alike but not good enough to be remembered.

And upon risking my life, after pretty good 2 months hibernation, I brave my heart to face the sun shine. Gosh! Its too hot for this kind of hour and I think to continue the hibernation process for the rest of my life.
Plus I Wish to have some dose of beer so I can see the day clearer.

Not bad for a day! It is just a normal day. I miss going out with friends, playing football, fishing, cooking whatsoever.

Day gonna be turn to be pretty normal again and to face the routine is like having a cornflakes without a milk. Pretty dull. And it is still the same feeling as yesterday when you already face this kind of situation for 5 fucking years. Education oh education.

Aurat!

Tergelak aku bace mende ni!
razis_02 (7/5/2006 1:33:50 PM): Aurat dan urat adalah dua benda yang berbeza. Namun begitu, apabila melihat perempuan yang mendedahkan aurat, urat lelaki akan krem di sesetengah kawasan.

Blog, aku nak rase!

Orang cakap "blog ni pasal nak tulis daily life, hidup ko seharin".
Aku cakap "aku tak berapa pandai nak tulis hidup aku hari hari macam ni".

Tapi mungkin apa salah nak rase.
Bukan mati pun.. Kalau mati pun aku tak kisah!

Progression Regression

PROGRESSION REGRESSION
note: This article had already been publish in MY FRIEND AND THE PIT ZINE No.4 (Just feeling like to publish it down here).

Wild but cool. That's how the things going on for the rest of 2005. Living standard became the prior subject. Everything increase, oil increase, goodies increase, toll increase, even the price of food also increase. So what had decreased? Nothing. Luckily, DVD movie prices still maintain, DIY hardcore punk music stuff still maintaining it own prices, or at least computer hardware and software still in the same prices. That's why I’m not feeling all the things had dramatically change and at least I can still get something to save my daily boring soul. And one more things, being a good robot is always a necessity when you are living in this country and dare to say it's must down here. ”I always believe that once the prices of basic needed going up, you will always been push to cope out with that situation. And once you cope out with that, you will suddenly forget to complain.” There's no alert and awareness about act in alternative (like more bicycle, less motorcycle. Even I never see any bicycle sign on the street), but we are everyday being serve with a good brainwash in why everything increase. Democracy is simply funny. Authoritarian is serious business. Counting few more days before we enter 2006, things just look like the same. And realize it or not, the only way to find a good life is living with our own believes. Go whatever we want to go. At least if we are not full mode, electronic made robot, we are still half human and half chipset.

And I just realize how chipset is just an agent to adapt with the real world. Once you had been short-circuit, you cannot reach anyone and lying at your own room listening to funeral doom records and end up don’t want to face the upcoming life anymore. For me, creating a counterculture didn’t promise anything. It's all in your hand to make your own way of decision. Everybody can be inside the circle of things, everybody can put a label and ism inside themselves, everybody can live the life upon inspiration of the book and things they read but somehow acting the way you are is the best things you can get. This is not against any pretentious out there or to bash poser but logically, this is how it works when we want true freedom. That's what my mind speaks. Getting the job you really like to do is true freedom for me, speaking with the logical and conscious based on reality is also a true freedom, and escaping a sort of morality create by the system is also a form of seeking for freedom. And honestly, act is always about realizing wrong things that we had done and empower and motivate with a good thing that we had already done. Nobody can’t escape that!

Last things that I read before writing this article is a front page newspaper article with a topic “Being a true punk or poser punk”. Warning: It’s on a front page! Wonder whether this article been written by the one who have high level education in university or by the one who don’t coz it just look like he / she know nothing. And how shame I can feel to be one of their teacher, teaching them during their old days in university. There is even no in depth study and clueless about the things they wrote.And how I realize punk scene had slowly being a subject for the system to sell apart of black metal, gay, ghost story, or drug abuse. Sell story! They get money and at the same time, they will create fear and abolish freedom of act. If this article been written with ethical and inside a free country, there should be thousand of condemn for the next days by other writer. A good condemn of how childish and don’t make sense the article been written and perhaps the newspaper company will be sue for spreading false information to the people. But we are in this systematic country of nothing can’t be done and nothing can’t be express. And few next months, I assume that few gigs will be bash by the cops in order to create a set of morality toward the youth. Funny! And by the time I finish reading the article, it leave just one set of another subject inside my mind. Those local newspapers still need a serious “agenda adjustment”. Punk just like pop is “just a dogma with reason” of existence, except that, punk move with rebellious outlook fill up, and dangerous dogma of their anti system subject (but they don’t ever give a fuck about this) and more importantly the loud music. But talking about hard and loud music, there’s no guideline of what’s bad and what’s good in choosing music tunes, different people make different choice. And it didn’t prove that ballad or jazz serve any better moral standard to the listener compare to grind core sound. It’s a free form of art if things been taken rationally. In 2003, I remember that my package had been detained by the local immigration for the reason that all the things inside my package contain explicit material. The stuff worth around RM 600 and it is quite a lot of money for me. I call the custom at KLIA office and they gave a reason that the CD’s sound very loud and claimed it to be black metal. And it had been abolished and cost the same level with detains a porno video. And one day, we will live in the country where everything can’t be done. Sad but true. Save some money and get the hell out of here!In last issue of my friends and the pit, I wrote an article of how message board had killed the real communication inside the hardcore punk connection and upon writing for this issue; it really happens last few months. And sometimes I think that what scholastic deth said in the songs “kill the message board” is true. And perhaps one of the DESTROY (early 90’s American bands) songs about uplifting the struggle with the support of digital machine was all been spoiled. Real communication begins with honest subject and not hiding behind the computer monitor. And ironically, the discussion had stopped after the gig had ended (and where are those voice if they seek for serious discussion). I guess the room just became a place of satisfying someone personal desire not for the interest of all. Good comments bring a good solution, but dishonest comment just makes things stuck up! If you want to fight a war, fight in a real way and I guess our fight belong to us and the conclusion is not for the interest and benefit of ourselves but for all, inside the hardcore punk scene. But when people use anonymous nickname, it’s just like I’m feeling weird talking to the ghost. The gig was somehow brought thousand of controversy from bands selection, ticket pricing, venue etc but things will getting better if we discuss things for real not hiding. Blaming is easy but act is not so easy. But that’s it. The webmaster can’t control who log in the message board system, who’s in and who’s out. It’s not the subject. The only thing is look upon yourself and asks yourself how honest your word can be. Bang!

The life still flow right now and what I got to do is flow the life and searching for betterment of it. And music, movie, local gig, food, and books does me a good favor. Here is what move me up for the past few months. DESTROY DISCOGRAPHY CD - Destroy is my favorite band of this month. Maybe I’m kinda late to know about this band but it worth seeking. This is previous Felix Havoc bands before he form Code 13 just after destroy split up. Destroy is a great work of music if you want to talk about punk hardcore sound in the early 90’s because the music taking inspiration to be a superb crossover sound at that times. From good crust punk tunes in necropolis LP to the superb metal inspired burn racist system 7” this is just simply essential. Also Dan of profane existence records do played bass for destroy. And dare I said this bands fill up wit the people who struggle for punk in real motive. Get the CD from havoc records. Havoc records, P.O.Box 8585, Minneapolis, MN 55408 USA. Or visit their site at http://www.havocrex.com/ SEEING LOCAL BANDS -And I always enjoy seeing local bands act but too much same old band in the same gig doesn’t do me a favor. I hope there will be more new bands in upcoming gig and there will be a counter to reject any domination of the same old bands playing in a gig. Dare I say, my band selfmadegod also always play over in over, have the sense of domination. And I think it’s enough and feel sorry for that. There should be more room to new bands in order to deliver their music. More power! So how about doing a gig title “How about no market bands?” OFF THE MAP BOOK -One word when I read this book that came out to my mind is “INSPIRATION”. Because this is how the things work when imagine songs of john Lennon adapt to reality. That’s why I think this book leave thousand of “heat the fire” feeling although it had been read quite sometimes. And the story is just simply a diary of two girls that hitchhike throughout Europe in more punk rock way. Live in squat, learning and adapt lotsa cultures, and being fun all the time. This is simply good punk rock book if you want to read about punk rock story. Contact: CrimethInc. Headquarters, 2695 Rangewood Dr. Atlanta GA 30345, USA. Website: http://www.crimethinc.com/ JANJI JONI MOVIE – I admire this because it is from Indonesia not any other part of the world and its blazing to see Indonesian movie with lots of sense. I try previous love based Indonesia movie but all of them not so good but this one do me a favor. As the feeling goes the same on watching how good taring padi documentary about punk movement in Jog Jakarta in a punk rock way , this can be as good as that but falling more to the genre of open public movie, and I just feel enjoy. Because the movie flow with more reality plot and somehow the sense of criticizing inside it was high. I adore. I shit my pants and have to go. Till the next issue!

food, i die!

HUNGER

When you are hungry, how will you feel? And how long can you stand for not eating and drinking before you collapse? Or perhaps hunger means more than that.

CASE number 1: This idea of getting hungry happened upon circumstance reason or maybe because of lack of food supply. It happens everywhere in this world. And hungriness is a simple reason for freedom. Food is something that is hardly can’t be resist. It is a nature of existence. When talking about hungry, I remember this good movie called shaheed, an Indian movie, story about the Indian Revolution that happen on the world war when the British taking control most of the Indian region part. The Indian revolutionist strike against British by not eating for almost a week and one of them died. For them, it is a hunger strike for a change. A remarkable thing. And always will be remember by the people who are hunger for liberation and freedom.

CASE number 2: And on the other side of the world, African nation are the highlight spot for world starvation. The economical destruction brought by modern capitalism system had infected many side of the world with shortage of food supply. IMF or World Bank cant promise everything because every sector of industrial and agricultural had been controlled by the power. So starvation and hunger is no longer crime nowadays. It is just a thing that some people plea for an end. And some of the people just ignore it, as long as they got enough foods to eat.

CASE number 3: At some part of the world, the country that based on materialism and mostly the developed country, people always complain for not getting a healthy food supply. They are hunger for healthy food that means, less MSG, less sugar, healthier one. So, they do diet to avoid getting sick and to keep their heart secure, they buy low fat milk, they buy everything that will save their soul for not getting sick. But most of the time, they just sat at home, go to work and do some hard work in order to get some money. The money they got roll back, buy some unnecessary things just to save their boring soul. To feel happy based on materialism and healthier food. And for some of the thin people with high body metabolism, they will try to eat more and more in order to get an ideal body, sexy body, and six packs whatsoever. So they consume more meat and feeling unsafe with their thin and unsexy body. They are the slave of setup. "I don’t care losing more money for food as long as I got the body as good as arnold swhashkdshnegger. Yuck".

CASE number 4: Many rich people in this world, be it kings, CEO for some corporate company, prime minister, owner of big multinational company etc will not having a problem about food supplement. The only things they care are hunger for more and more money. They living in the safe state and they don’t have nothing to worry about the food. The only things they worried are "Don’t eat too much", although the reality is they eat too fucking much. They can buy a 200 dollar wine or hundred dollar ostrich beef without realize they can feed too many people that refer to the CASE no.2. They bring so many reflection the the CASE no.2 people and sometimes reflected to the CASE no.1 people too.

So you can see the different between most of the case. But for me hungriness is still an important part of living. It is a feeling that can be express in many ways. I always end up feeling hungry in my bedroom and having no power to live the life on the day. Hunger is an act of self-motivation on certain way. You can feel the freedom by getting hungry. You can feel the power of solidarity by feeling hungry. And when it come to friendship, you will always don’t want to see your friends or girlfriends or family getting hungry without a food to eat. You will always help them when people feel hungry. It is a special feeling that people not always care about.
You will always talk this word hunger. No wonder there is a song "I hunger, hunger for yourrr touch". People talk about the word hunger in many different soundscape. About sacrifice, about living, about sharing, about humanitarian, about love.

And when people realize about the word HUNGRY IS A PART OF FREEDOM, one day the world will getting better. But most of the time, people that rules the world (the number 4 CASE people), blind to see this. They own much money, and perhaps they have the money to support all the African starving people, but they unable to see that. They rape the people right by taking control every economical sector.

And when my friends told me about a workers at FELDA programme that got extra minimum wages for the work they done, I know it is all been taken. Land had been set to certain property of the rich. The project that should be supporting the people, end up making rich people richer. And at last hungriness happen everywhere because everything is under property of the rich. In case you don’t know that the world is now under control by minority of certain people.
And some more story, when I work as a kitchen helper at one hotel, I use to do the job to serve royal kings dinner. And the total food for each person if I'm not mistaken is more than 300 RM. And they are served by special beef from New Zealand, a chicken soup made by wild chicken stock, the most expensive chocolate in the world, finest wine in the world, bla bla bla. All night, I serve them to get some money to eat later. All the laugh and expensive food was brought to them by this orthodox old system that chooses kings as a people who control the country. I just simply can say that stuff is not valid anymore for the people who have a lot of common sense nowadays, the free people like us. As a contribution to the humanitarian, the royal serve nothing. They don’t have anything to be worship for except of using the money that coming from where else except of our own hard work of daily boring 9 - 5 jobs. They are the most ungrateful people in this world if you asked me. And at that time I know hungry will be forever, immortal things to talk about. I will always remember this song "DAULAT TUANKU" from butterfingers. Simply genius and brave stuff....... LAGU INI TAKKAN BERHENTI.................................................

Maybe this is a self-opinion of mine. And the blood rush to the head when you are not eating. Then you will realize that you are not alone. The other part of the world feels the same as you. I smile and wake up again on the next day for another meal. The routine goes on and on. And I hope you will eat something and not feeling hungry in the morning as you have to work hard for the rest of the day. CERITA INI JUGA TAKKAN BERHENTI......................................... DAN HARAP AKAN BERAKHIR.....

Playlist: Children of fall "Ignition for poort hearts" CD